I have always believed something is lacking in the practice of the Eucharistic Celebration or Mass. Being a hardcore Catholic student from Kindergarten to college, I was mandated to believe that going to Church every Sunday was a must. That I had thought until 6 years ago.
I knew what most of the things done in Church meant. I knew the two parts of the Mass, the symbolism of the raising of chalice and the opening of the tabernacle and things like that. I used to be a sacristan, and I got to read First and Second Reading. To be honest though, I had been unable to fully appreciate attending this repetitive Mass ritual. I tried many times, but I just couldn't fool myself into believing that I felt God during Mass. I began to think something was wrong with me. I kept thinking that I might have been a victim of evil.
Back in high school, I dragged my self to attend mass mainly because of five things:
1) I had to play the Church organ every Friday morning for the Daily Mass for my batch
2) I had to find a teacher during Sunday Mass to sign my index card for my Values Education grade
3) I had to accompany my mom, especially after Mass when we had to go straight to the public market
4) The church was our meeting place for an occasion or a school practice.
5) I had pretty much nothing to do.
You see, most Christians like me were spoon-fed with concepts of religion. It's like the brainwash type of thing, and all you have to do was to accept every belief that was presented to you. To be critical about these beliefs was a big humongous sin, and so was questioning the Bible. I remember being humiliated when I mentioned Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code in class. My instructor said it was bad. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, "Wasn't it also bad that the Church killed millions of people during the Inquisition, and that it sold salvation during the Sale of Indulgences, and that it recently sanctified Joan of Arc when it once ordered her killing?" The Church is as confused as I was, I thought.
College came, and I almost forgot I was a Catholic. I rarely went to Church. I only attended Mass for some very unusual purposes. I didn't even go to Mass before examinations. I guess I was too busy looking for a way to pay my tuition fees. I once thought, maybe God wanted to test me to see if I'd give up and fall into the trap of prostitution. I know. That's a weird idea.
Thinking about these reasons made me feel so evil. The last time I went to Church was during Easter. I fancied processions because it was rare and special. I bought some candles and took my camera phone with me so I could take photos while walking. And man, those holy statues were creative!
Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist nor am I a preacher or a brother from another Christian sect. I am still a Catholic and I currently have no plans of committing apostasy nor schism (terms I learned in sophomore high school Values Education). In fact, I am becoming more spiritual and more connected to what we call God than I was in the past. I pray more often. I tend to reassess my sinful actions. But still, I rarely go to Church.
I am currently on the process of defining my relationship with God. There may be truth in what they say there's a big difference between Religion and Spirituality. I know of people who had perfect attendance in Mass, yet still back-stab their neighbors. I know of people who never go to Mass, but are very helpful to others. I presume I better be less religious and more spiritual. And I bet, people would say, this would be the best excuse of unholy people like me.
Then came this turning point. I was in the SLU library reading books about psychology. I had to stay at the library because that was the only place in school where you didn't have to spend money just to kill boredom while waiting for your next class. You see, I didn't have the funds during college. I didn't even have enough allowance to afford three meals a day. I was lucky I had the "thickest face" to discretely ask my friends for food and other benefits. Back then, I was blaming a bunch of people for letting me plunge into that misery. I was half-blaming them and God.
So off I devoured the books in the library. I stumbled upon the 133 section of the Dewey Decimal Classification. Yes, you'd probably notice where I got that term. Well, my mother was a librarian back in high school. The 133 books happened to be about Parapsychology. I took interest. And the next thing I knew, I was mumbling the words psychic, ghosts, aliens, paranormal, seven levels, chakra, meditation, astrology and all things New Age. I became a huge fan of Jaime Licauco, HP Blavatsky, Alice Bailey and all people New Age.
At first, it was hard to accept I was starting to believe in something that most people find ridiculous and satanic. I was even told that I was falling into the trap of Satan, that I should be thinking about my soul. One guy told me ghosts were evil, that these were just hallucinations. I didn't agree, because if he was right, then half the world then would be neurotic. One girl also told me that heaven was a physical place. I again failed to agree. I was afraid to share my thoughts about the world, because I shared them in the perspective of the New Age philosophy. I was mocked and ridiculed.
But who knew what I did to ignore them? I was happy I found the 133 section in the library. It helped me reassess my faith in this God. New Age did to me what many faithful Christians feared the most - it destroyed my faith in God. It shattered my belief in the Bible and in Christ. Yet, it helped me rebuild it. My faith in God became more intense! It was like breaking an ugly pot, melting the fragments, and remolding it to become a better pot! In this view, I became more respectful about other religions. It helped me understand the nature of religions and man's tendency to safeguard his beliefs at all costs. It made me find God all over again. And no, I am not recruiting you into a new religion! New Age is not even one. It's a philosophy, more like a way of living.
It must be rude of me to think now that God is be the most misunderstood entity in the universe. I believe each religion fabricates its own view of its own god. Each religion claims his God to be better than the other religion's God. This helps me gain more insight about God. Perhaps each of us have our own interpretation of God, of what His qualities are, if God is also a She or a We, or if that hot-headed God in Genesis and Leviticus is similar to the God of the New Testament. For me, it doesn't matter anymore, as long as our belief in that God makes us do good.
I come into the conclusion that it is impossible to deny His existence. The evidences are overwhelming! Even the things that many people think contradict God is, for me, an evidence of Him. I even find God within my enemies. I found God in the toilet, in my backyard, and in my glorious penis! I feel no shame in speaking my mind because I believe my thoughts and all thoughts are manifestations of Him.
For others, these thoughts are so bizarre and blasphemous that they might elect me to the cross. But I care less.
I think we would understand God better when we start challenging our faith in Him. That's exactly what I did. Would it be too much if I ask you to do the same?
I knew what most of the things done in Church meant. I knew the two parts of the Mass, the symbolism of the raising of chalice and the opening of the tabernacle and things like that. I used to be a sacristan, and I got to read First and Second Reading. To be honest though, I had been unable to fully appreciate attending this repetitive Mass ritual. I tried many times, but I just couldn't fool myself into believing that I felt God during Mass. I began to think something was wrong with me. I kept thinking that I might have been a victim of evil.
Back in high school, I dragged my self to attend mass mainly because of five things:
1) I had to play the Church organ every Friday morning for the Daily Mass for my batch2) I had to find a teacher during Sunday Mass to sign my index card for my Values Education grade
3) I had to accompany my mom, especially after Mass when we had to go straight to the public market
4) The church was our meeting place for an occasion or a school practice.
5) I had pretty much nothing to do.
You see, most Christians like me were spoon-fed with concepts of religion. It's like the brainwash type of thing, and all you have to do was to accept every belief that was presented to you. To be critical about these beliefs was a big humongous sin, and so was questioning the Bible. I remember being humiliated when I mentioned Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code in class. My instructor said it was bad. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, "Wasn't it also bad that the Church killed millions of people during the Inquisition, and that it sold salvation during the Sale of Indulgences, and that it recently sanctified Joan of Arc when it once ordered her killing?" The Church is as confused as I was, I thought.
College came, and I almost forgot I was a Catholic. I rarely went to Church. I only attended Mass for some very unusual purposes. I didn't even go to Mass before examinations. I guess I was too busy looking for a way to pay my tuition fees. I once thought, maybe God wanted to test me to see if I'd give up and fall into the trap of prostitution. I know. That's a weird idea.
Thinking about these reasons made me feel so evil. The last time I went to Church was during Easter. I fancied processions because it was rare and special. I bought some candles and took my camera phone with me so I could take photos while walking. And man, those holy statues were creative!
Don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist nor am I a preacher or a brother from another Christian sect. I am still a Catholic and I currently have no plans of committing apostasy nor schism (terms I learned in sophomore high school Values Education). In fact, I am becoming more spiritual and more connected to what we call God than I was in the past. I pray more often. I tend to reassess my sinful actions. But still, I rarely go to Church.
I am currently on the process of defining my relationship with God. There may be truth in what they say there's a big difference between Religion and Spirituality. I know of people who had perfect attendance in Mass, yet still back-stab their neighbors. I know of people who never go to Mass, but are very helpful to others. I presume I better be less religious and more spiritual. And I bet, people would say, this would be the best excuse of unholy people like me.
Then came this turning point. I was in the SLU library reading books about psychology. I had to stay at the library because that was the only place in school where you didn't have to spend money just to kill boredom while waiting for your next class. You see, I didn't have the funds during college. I didn't even have enough allowance to afford three meals a day. I was lucky I had the "thickest face" to discretely ask my friends for food and other benefits. Back then, I was blaming a bunch of people for letting me plunge into that misery. I was half-blaming them and God.
So off I devoured the books in the library. I stumbled upon the 133 section of the Dewey Decimal Classification. Yes, you'd probably notice where I got that term. Well, my mother was a librarian back in high school. The 133 books happened to be about Parapsychology. I took interest. And the next thing I knew, I was mumbling the words psychic, ghosts, aliens, paranormal, seven levels, chakra, meditation, astrology and all things New Age. I became a huge fan of Jaime Licauco, HP Blavatsky, Alice Bailey and all people New Age.
At first, it was hard to accept I was starting to believe in something that most people find ridiculous and satanic. I was even told that I was falling into the trap of Satan, that I should be thinking about my soul. One guy told me ghosts were evil, that these were just hallucinations. I didn't agree, because if he was right, then half the world then would be neurotic. One girl also told me that heaven was a physical place. I again failed to agree. I was afraid to share my thoughts about the world, because I shared them in the perspective of the New Age philosophy. I was mocked and ridiculed.
But who knew what I did to ignore them? I was happy I found the 133 section in the library. It helped me reassess my faith in this God. New Age did to me what many faithful Christians feared the most - it destroyed my faith in God. It shattered my belief in the Bible and in Christ. Yet, it helped me rebuild it. My faith in God became more intense! It was like breaking an ugly pot, melting the fragments, and remolding it to become a better pot! In this view, I became more respectful about other religions. It helped me understand the nature of religions and man's tendency to safeguard his beliefs at all costs. It made me find God all over again. And no, I am not recruiting you into a new religion! New Age is not even one. It's a philosophy, more like a way of living.
 |
| From the movie Patch Adams; Patch was questioning God for the death of her lover. |
I come into the conclusion that it is impossible to deny His existence. The evidences are overwhelming! Even the things that many people think contradict God is, for me, an evidence of Him. I even find God within my enemies. I found God in the toilet, in my backyard, and in my glorious penis! I feel no shame in speaking my mind because I believe my thoughts and all thoughts are manifestations of Him.
For others, these thoughts are so bizarre and blasphemous that they might elect me to the cross. But I care less.
I think we would understand God better when we start challenging our faith in Him. That's exactly what I did. Would it be too much if I ask you to do the same?
