Monday, August 18, 2008

The Way We are Known

Imagine someone in his worst figure – a skinny, filthy, brown-skinned, dirty-haired guy garbed with low-lying eyeglasses, tight-fitting clothes, tattered black-and-white shoes, with a watch on the left wrist, and a bulky black backpack stuffed with white polka dots hanging at the back. If that guy who seems like out of breath from walking swiftly suddenly smiles at you, well then that could be me.

An ordinary day at the university always presents an army of stressors that never fail to infiltrate my already-infiltrated life. I find it hard to buffer them from breaking in to my ADLs (activities of daily living) since I am almost always too busy to do so. I would often wake up late, trying to savor every minute of sleep; then I would eventually end up panting while plowing each staircase leading to the topmost floor of whatever building there is on campus. Fortunately, I never have to pay a visit to the SAO; thanks to consideration! I also take extra notice of my charming eye bags that has already become a trend in the college. Well, you could guess – I am a third year nursing student.

I get my daily dose of medical terms and nursing interventions from instructors who seem to forget that we are only nursing students and not high-speed computer processors. Everyday, I acquire new diseases which I get from class discussions on pathophysiology. Return demonstrations from Skills classes also get to nag me. Include the Research factor, then the stress day has to be complete. By that alone, I could make the most out of the 500-peso library fee while getting a chance to scan old books that smell like foot. Community immersions also make my allowance evaporate. Nursing care plans, teaching plans, family health care plans, index cards, journal reaction papers, learning feedback diaries, and other printable projects are just some of the endless array of requirements that could either make us skip our meals, eat our savings or strain our wrists (carpal tunnel syndrome, anyone?).

I was also done with reviewing health care concepts which were quite interesting. What was ironic though was memorizing the concept of stress management, which was in itself another form of stressor. Students then have to execute defense mechanisms, another lesson in Health Care. But what annoys me most is the way instructors desperately cram on discussing voluminous lessons before the Final examinations in hopes of finishing the course syllabus. We were left but to stare at the “compensatory” handouts and reading assignments that were supposed to be discussed in detail. C’mon, give us a break!

Second year was way less frantic than third year. What belittles the former is that the latter boasts nothing but the nerve-wracking clinical duties. For three days in a week, we ramp those white and pink uniforms, as well as those paraphernalia. 24 hours of fulfillment or fear will elapse so quickly. Of course, the diminutive pink Code of Conduct booklet would flash before our very eyes, reminding us to dare not commit even just the tiniest error (as in wrong ink in charting) while on duty. I had learned the importance of this book during the last summer term. I had spent additional 32 hours in recompense of my negligence as a student nurse. Let us just say I run dry of good reasons to justify my deeds in my incident report (IR).

And yes, who could ever forget those two-letter combinations? They are somehow like magical incantations that clinical instructors utter to tame us. Fearful as it may sound, I deem it an important factor as to the discipline of student nurses in the clinical setting. You could just imagine how an SN would shake and panic after a little erasure has been made in a patient’s chart. IRs, demerits and extension duties are by far the real-life Fear Factor challenge in a student nurse’s life. But lecture classes on minor subjects and socialization outside the classrooms pose another side of the story. I feel unleashed and free after an RLE course. More often than not, we get branded BS in Noise for the clamor we make in the corridors.

“If your heart is not in the nursing profession, then you are free to go. This is not the place for you.” Very often do CIs reiterate this in the college. The statement truly addresses the need to love whatever nursing stuff you do, whether it be just from making simple SOAP charting to assisting in a major surgery. But many of student nurses whom I know do not see the good side in nursing. They would always blame their parents for having them forced into the profession. Eventually, they would say that was the reason for their failing marks in school. Well, whose fault was it anyway? I could not help but think of the sum of money being wasted every semester just for this pathetic excuse thinking that it is never easy for my parents to procure a 23-thousand peso down payment out of thin air!

I remember that day when I also doubted myself in my position as a future nurse. A few minutes before my CEE, my mind was blank on what course to take. Then I only had two options – Nursing or Accountancy. But since I loved biology more than math or logic, I then decided to take the entrance exam as a BSN applicant. To date, there was not a time that regret surfaced within me, only lots and lots of burnout though. As one nursing composition stressed, the journey has just begun…there’s no turning back now…

As I took up nursing, other aspects in my life become compromised. Compare my face before college and my face now, and you could see a total transformation – a totoy turned to a gloom-stricken visage,haggard as they put it. Also, my persistence to excel in this profession has led me to slowly murder my passion for the art of dancing. I could not join in extra-curricular activities because I greatly fear that I would fall from my academics. I have never foreseen that I would perform well in academics in college since I was more of a performer and only a second-grade achiever back in high school. So now, it is really too late to turn back from the standards I have already set; to think that my crashing down dozens of notches down in the Dean’s List is a big matter to others. It is truly hard when people’s expectations exceed your limitations.

In the course of my stay in the university, I have observed that much of the stressors do not really come from the things around me, but more of it comes from my self. Until now, I could not master my emotions so I could combat and manage stress. It engulfs me like how I engulf my favorite hot sizzling banana-cue! Entering the stress arena that battle within the spaces of my thoughts are other almost unbearable problems on finances, family and friends. I could not stop thinking over one stressful event until I lull into sleep. I could just get curious how my body tolerates them all!

The good thing though is that I have already made it a part of my life. It may be distracting and depressing, but I have to live with it. I can never avoid stress, anyway. Besides, I would rather choose three stressful yet fulfilling days rather than one boring and empty hour. My course is a tough and stressful one. If I could not hate nursing, then the only option is to love it.

And to think that being a nurse would bring me the greatest stresses of all, then I should be ready.

Special thanks to: Mama, Daddy, Ate, Ading, Inang;C2 “aras” pipz: dren, marvs, hannah, joyce, sam, ash, tim, audz, angel, jen, shiki; my Bloke Kuwatro peers SY 2006-2008 lois, hannah, jessa, angela, elaine; BSN III-C ernest, vikko, carlo, herschel, krisian, dea, lyndle, melody, leo, daivey, andrew; to knoll; all SLU-SNs; mam rona abul, mam lette, mam sonia, mam bayla, mam pangwi, mam soliman, mam pangwi, mam pachao, mam ochoco, dean; to the new W&B staff; and to my long lost friend whom I’m missing so much…

Monday, June 16, 2008

Communion

Forever shall life become more dazzling with her, he thought.

He mustered all his courage and finally, three words erupted from his mouth like the seeping of a fountain amidst a jungle. The night was cold yet promising.

But this fragile, beautiful girl in her sweet smile replied to him the bitterest words he had ever heard.

“Look at the moon, her scars, her pale face,” she murmured to the winds. “Ever since, I have vowed to love its owner.”

It pained him to accept this, this fate more throbbing than the embers kissing his feet. She reassured him with her smile, her hair dancing away from his filthy cheeks. His love, hidden for a hundred and forty-three cycles of the moon, now revealed, and now over, too.

For him, nothing is most fitting but the love of a childhood friend. He crumpled the petite love letter resting from his hands, the red ribbons turned to chains. He tore it with the force of regret stemming from his clammy hands. He threw the pieces onto the raging bonfire beside him, his lifeless heart consumed in flames of his emotion.

“I’ll be waiting.” The rustle of leaves deafened his soul, the crunches of rocks and sand hardened his being, but the whispers of the old wind kept ringing in him. A promise of a lifetime.

Twenty years of never knowing and only existing… going by… gone…

Her habit concealed the once tempting hair. A blue gown wrapped her frail body. She soaked in the queue of those forever in love of serenity. She sung with the choir sung ago by the righteous. She was three people away from him.

Closer… closer… Fate was about to mend the past, to heal the wounds of sorrowful parting, and to create a moment that is theirs only to share. She parted her lips. He raised the body…

And then their eyes met and locked. His cheeks, now clean yet rough in grain carved by times of melancholy… her tranquil beauty stealing a look from behind her cloak. A love reunited by a love for the ultimate, and by a promise that defied a million seconds of lost memories.

She smiled. And so be it. “Amen.”

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Run Dry

Beginning something new in life can etch an indelible scar on one’s life. I for many times have started many things but have never accomplished any. I am pretty exceptional at commencing things but I am most likely horrible when it comes to culminating one.

Perhaps I am afraid to get the last blame if something goes wrong with the operations. Or maybe I would feel lost when a change occurs in my daily routine. That I do not know. But mind you, I am not an introvert. I am more of a highly sociable and outgoing guy whose only stupid weakness is when my insides start to consume the jolly side of me. The result: a crying helpless freak.

Just recently, I surfaced on a new challenge of being an incoming third year nursing student. Yes – after four weeks of worrying whether or not I would be on the famous list, I finally found myself wearing my nursing shirts and lab gown daily, practicing tons of skills in our RLE, and taking in every gram of toxic drugs in Pharmacology. After incurring all those irreversible demerits and reductions in my 15% conduct grade during our community exposure last semester, I still managed to belong. Thanks to my precious saints and my ceaseless prayers.

But my miseries did not end there. While I was thinking of how to end my previous misfortune, then began my financial problem on the summer enrolment. I did not know where to conjure the hair-raising down payment for the summer term. But I tried everything. To my surprise, a force drove me to consult every soul I can think of, even our college faculty. Luckily through the efforts of everyone present within my plead, I ultimately had my ID accessorized with a brand new nine-peso glossy sticker.

So as I was about to settle down, another event succeeded in penetrating my fragile emotion. I was tired, sleepy, restless, hungry, anxious and quite disturbed during the second day of my summer duty when I committed an almost insufferable error. Let’s just say I run dry of good reasons to secure my offense. At that point in time, I almost felt that I was a failure. I was on the brink of breaking down, giving up, turning left, but not going on the right track. I mesmerized with what was wrong in me. And I saw the flaw as clearly as the light of a sunny day.

I have been unstable ever since when it comes to taming my emotions. I get easily upset when I receive low marks in my exams, when I wrangle with my (adjective here please) sister, or when I would be drawn in conflicts with my friends. It is sad how I think so much of what others might think of me and of what I do wrong. I could not erase in my mind all the specks of misfortunes in my life that they tend to clog and block my perception. Maybe, that was what happened during my duty. The turn of events led me to defend myself and rationalize. Sometimes, I cannot help but cry my emotions out, until I drain myself to sleep. I often go into writing, hoping that my miserable thoughts would forever remain as sheets of scattered manuscript, and never revisit my mind again. How I just wished I could always press this propitious little Undo button in the computer. Perhaps life would be easier and more stress-free.

And one thing more. As I hope to study and finish my studies, I always take delivery of the impression that people around me are expecting so much from me. I feel that every move I take is monitored or something like that. I cannot blame them much that I would like to. One of my friends said that it was off beam when I leveled up their expectations upon me, that I excelled too much on my academics. I pondered on that for days. And then I thought. What was wrong with doing my best? I need my current standings to finance my schooling. If I fail as I often do, I would long be gone in the portals of this school. I fear the day when all things I have gained become a speck of dust. It is hard to instruct my thoughts to lay low since they forcibly invade my mind. I imagine every bit of event that may happen. It is just silly how I have not anticipated the events that occurred to me the whole summer. (Sigh). I and my paranoia….

So what am I to do? I cannot focus on one thought, I have overactive imaginations. I am clumsy and jittery. I cannot work well. Well, I guess I have to think these thoughts over. How redundant

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Paranormal: Unveiling the Hidden Truth

You are reading this sentence alone inside a deserted room. The next statement follows with a question: Does this story know what I am doing? You will then look puzzled. You continue reading on. You will wonder why the word alone is italicized. Yes, it is just you and this paper, you are alone – or are you? You feel shivers run up your spine. Your instinct tells you that someone so sinister is staring at you, in the corners. Coldness creeps within your entire body. This room holds a dark secret. You could sense a ghastly creature floating outside the window near you. A heavy feeling envelops you as a sheer voice whispers at the back of your ears. Or maybe you see in your periphery a blurry image of a woman in white gown, with blood dripping from her neck, eyes flaming red. She comes closer… closer… a frozen hand grips your neck… You can hardly speak… then you keep reading on …


There are things that orthodox science could not explain, events that scientists could not predict and entities that a common man could not see. They linger just within our midst, watching, moaning. So many evidences and sightings have been recorded, yet physical science until now continues to dismiss the mysteries brought by the Unknown. The stories of ghosts and other peculiar stuff never die. They persist to exist.

Perhaps the most intriguing of all phenomena that most people would not involve themselves into is the experience with the paranormal, the supernatural. But these occurrences are beginning to open the doors to new fields and documented manifestations of what science accepted to ignore. Lo and behold, as we open the Inner Eye. Picture it to be opening… alter your consciousness… then alas, you see this same world but in a different and unbelievable manner.

A Center of Psychic Energy

You may not know how blessed  is the place where you are now. The Philippines is bound to a culture believing in paranormal beings and events. In the olden times, a great many people sought help from ‘albularios’ to cure unknown diseases. They aid the indigenous folks in their well-being with great success even without medical attention. A reflective reason for Filipinos’ affinity with the supernatural is that our country is said to be located above a great center where psychic energy flourishes. Think of it as one of two poles of a huge magnet, the Earth. Many psychic foreigners attest that their psychic abilities heighten when they go to the Philippines (as the same happens when they go to the northern part of South America
which sits directly above the other energy pole). This may also explain why so many Filipinos already have innumerable encounters with the unknown like ghosts, fairies, dwarves, etc.

Parapsychologists also believe the Filipinos to be direct descendants of a long lost Lemurian civilization, whose people were naturally gifted with supernatural abilities. The empire sank together with Atlantis beneath the ocean surface. It is easy to dismiss such incredible theories, as that they pose no feasible evidences, just yet.

The SEVEN Levels of Existence

It is very unlikely that any Filipino knows nothing of any ghost story. Filipinos are very well acquainted with such stories that ghost-story telling has already become a good pastime. It is said that when a person dies, the soul leaves the body, and ascends a level higher into the Planes of Existence. These levels are where all creatures in the universe interconnect. Seven planes exist in the Universe: nature spirits, dwarves, fairies and other elementals occupy the first and second levels; man is at the third plane or the physical world; the fourth plane of existence serves as a transitional stage for earth souls where they need to reflect on their lives before they can ascend to the upper fifth and sixth dimensions, where dwells the angels, highly evolved spirits and spirit guides of some human psychics; the seventh plane is the final destination for all souls, as godlike status can now be achieved. In here, the so-called Source exists. Every living creature’s goal is to ascend to these levels and struggle to return to the Source, the Infinite Creator, the Alpha and Omega. This concept is parallel to the Buddhist principle of Enlightenment – where one needs to do good to attain perfection.

A problem occurs when human souls die, enter the Fourth Dimension, but can no longer ascend further. They are what we know as ghosts, or earth-bound spirits. They get stuck into the same plane because of strong attachment to worldly possessions, unfinished businesses, and failure to accept death. As a result, their though processes, memories and emotions are left on earth. If we happen to stumble across these we experience a gut feel or acold spot. And if one is sensitive enough, he can hear or even seethe deceased owner of these memories but not in a manner that we usually know by convention. Ghosts are said to be some forms of energy that have mass. This is proof to a slight decrease in the mass of a dying person.

Ghosts coexist with the living in the same place but on a different dimension. Most ghosts would prefer to reside on churches or hospitals, or places where they had connection when they were living. It is however ironic but very unlikely to hunt ghosts in cemeteries.

A soul shall remain in the Fourth plane unless he has contemplated about his life and purpose on earth. Oftentimes, he tries to communicate to the living to help him move on by means ofpagpaparamdam or a psychic. He who fails to ascend is bound to be stuck for eternity, unless reincarnated. Examples are the ghost friars and guardia civil who had been in Intramuros for centuries. But once a soul establishes a stable identity, his journey to the Source  continues – the soul may then rise to the Light or to what mystics describe as the never ending spiral that grows higher or finer and finer.

Murmurs from the Past

Have you ever wondered why you get the light feeling (gaan ng loob) upon meeting someone whom you only knew at that precise moment? or why you utterly dislike someone with obviously no reason at all? That person may have played a distinct role in one of your past lives.

Déjà vu in French “already seen” is defined as a distortion of memory in which a new situation or experience is regarded as having happened before. Most people regard this phenomenon as merely psychological in nature, but parapsychologists think otherwise. They suppose that experiencing déjà vu is significantly related to the Hindu and Egyptian concept of reincarnation. According to them, a person after death or after a moment in the afterlife is reincarnated as another living creature, a plant, an animal or another human until he perfects himself. The process of reincarnation is repeated over and over until such time that the soul has undertaken many singular lives and accumulated enoughgood. Each past life may differ from another in the elements it meets, but the plot in every past life is constant. The plot should consequently be perfected by undoing the mistakes done in the past lives. The concept of soulmates comes alive when we consider a timeless relationship in a past life to be again applicable for the present life – and thus begins the search for the soulmate, the other half of an incomplete and imperfect soul.

Sometimes when we experience déjà vu, very often do we gasp, “Parang naulit na ‘to!”. You may then think you just remembered something that previously happened, and ignore it afterwards. But actually, we are subconsciously remembering an event that did not happen in our present life, but in one of our past lives. It could possibly tell us that history is about to repeat itself, and this time the result should mend faults made in the past.

A highly-gifted clairvoyant once told that the ambitious Pharaoh Ramses II and his favorite wife Nefertari who lived 3,500 year ago were reincarnated into the former Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos and wife Imelda. Remarkable similarities have been noted between the two couples.

Of Records and Projections

You may have heard of people having had out-of-body experiences or astral projections. Esoteric science informs us that the body is composed of seven distinct but interpenetrating layers. One of which is the astral body, which the higher entities use to communicate with the physical body. Normally during sleep, the astral body projects itself into the astral planes. When we dream of flying, our astral body is more likely actually flying while the physical body stays in bed. It is also not uncommon that it goes out of the body when we are tired, sick or in physical danger. Oftentimes, it projects to travel on distant galaxies or realms, which often registers into our dreams. The astral body is linked to the real body through a silver cord connected at the navel area. This cord can never be cut except at the moment of death. In rare cases, two astral bodies can unite in what we may call astral sex – where those involved experience extreme bliss beyond space and time!

A character named Piper in the popular series Charmed demonstrated psychometry or the ability to read the origin and circumstances surrounding an object by merely touching it. How can some people have this ability? There is an ancient belief that a person leaves something of himself to an object he touches or vice versa. The object or person then imprints the person’s every detail to its akashic record. Humans also have this record, and a person who is sensitive enough can read this record through intuition. Could this record possibly be the Christian’s concept of the “Book of Life” that St. Peter is supposed to read when one dies and which forms the basis for judgment? The last chapter of the akashic record ends when we die.

Mystics of Ancient History

Egypt has been found to hold and preserve architectural and literary feats of the past. The Pyramids of Giza are renowned not only as the First Wonder of the Ancient World, but also a fabulous mystery for both modern engineers and psychics. It has long been a puzzle how the early Egyptians made such near-perfect colossal figures of pyramids using only the very basic engineering materials present at that time. Paranormal researchers however hypothesize that extraterrestrial intervention may be the rationale.

The symbol of pyramids in the ancient has long been regarded to possess mystical properties. The Pyramid in
Egypt itself is aligned with the moon, the sun and the rest of the cosmos. Psychics relate that aliens assisted the Egyptians in loading the massive blocks of rock in place to form the Great Pyramids. The theory was laughed on and deserted until Egyptologists unearthed a temple near the Pyramids. There they discovered a hieroglyphic illustrating how the Egyptians built the pyramids. It included an outline of what seemed to be a helicopter and a disk-shaped UFO carrying lumps of rock! How authentic these hieroglyphics is still indefinite.

The mystery behind the Crop Circles and Stonehenge remains to be unsolved over the years. The experience of some persons with aliens and UFO’s is a never-ending topic (although a Swedish psychic named Olof Jonsson allegedly revealed that he had close contacts with extra-terrestrial beings whose technology is at least 100,000 years ahead of ours). Could ETs have something to do with man’s spiritual and mental evolution? If they do exist, have they really manipulated our ancient genes, rendering us to evolve into modern humans? Some psychics assert that the answers to these questions are the supplement to the‘missing link’ in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. They cited that this may be the reason how apelike creatures suddenly turned to Homo sapiens with very advanced brain power, and with so much facial variations for the same species as compared to other species who all look the same.

Many theories like those stated above continue to be abolished by science.

Secret Knowledge

Read an article about early civilizations and there is high probability that you would come across a culture rich in mystical accounts. Egyptians, Incas, Mayans, Aztecs, Mesopotamians – all of which share stories of the afterlife, psychic healing, etc. Psychic experts tell us that during the time of these great civilizations, the Esoteric Wisdom has been used by many a man to improve their quality of life. At the turn of the millennium, this Wisdom had been hidden (gnosis, Secret Knowledge) because man is no more a prepared entity. Unless man is ready to receive it, Earth’s journey to the ethereal Planes will delay. At that moment though, modern science, medicine and technology began to dominate the world even until now.

But this well-appreciated development is actually a deterioration of spirituality and a deviation from the path to the Source. Ang Suh, a collective entity from the upper Fifth Dimension revealed through channeling that entities from the Upper Dimensions have long been contacting humans for thousands of years to attempt to renew the values of menMan has to rise above himself, his petty materialism, the conflicts that blur peace.

We are now at an age that psychics call the Age of Aquarius. They believe that the time is near when paranormal events would be so accepted that it would not anymore be sheer phenomena.
A New Strain of Reality

As of now, you may already have a sneaking suspicion that the reason why so many paranormal or psychic things are told is a conclusive statement that such things do exist. Or if you still think skeptically, forever shall they conceal.

It is very unbecoming for scientists to try to explain these psi phenomena in terms of the concept of the physical sciences and conduct experiments as though such occurrences conform to physical laws. It does not also seem logical to prove the existence of a non-physical being or event through physical means. Take in account the Firewalking rituals performed all over the world. Conventional scientists observe no form of bruising/burning of skin whatsoever after firewalkers danced atop the blazing charcoal pit. They would explain that special fire-resistant oil had been produced at the sole, aiding the firewalkers to walk on fire unharmed. Also, a psychiatrist may regard someone actuallyseeing ghosts to be hallucinating or worse a schizophrenic.
It is not an uncommon scenario where a real parapsychologist or faith healer fails to perform psi-events in a scientific laboratory setting. But ironically it is common that scientists conducted experiments unknowingly with a fake psychic, leading them to biased conclusions. Since when can physicists explain human levitation or telepathic spoon-bending? The voyage of the supernatural continues.


Connecting Both Ends

It cannot be that both the physical and the paranormal are accepted as true, for they oppose each other’s laws. A new science is therefore needed to try to integrate all sciences for the ‘truth’ is one and cannot contradict itself.

“The data on psychic research stands on its own… It is not a domain of any single science… It virtually cuts across all academic boundaries,” says Jeffrey Mishlove, President of the Intuition Network. “We are interconnected with each other and with the most distant galaxies. We are one with everything – as the ancient mystics of every culture, have reminded us in every age.”

Modern science continues to deny, disprove or rather ignore the existence of such paranormal activities because accepting them would totally devastate the very foundations of physics and medicine.
Newton’s Laws and other solid theories would then have to be revised to correspond to the parapshycological concepts.

Once the supernatural establishes itself as an accepted branch of anew age knowledge we would then have a new way of viewing the world of the living and the world beyond. Imagine a world where the almost impossible becomes possible.


Sources:
When the Impossible Happens: Confessions of a Reluctant Psychic by Jaime T. Licauco
More Encounters with the Unknown by Jaime T. Licauco; and other related documentaries.

Saranggola

Natapos ko na ang matinding pagsubok – pagsubok na yumanig sa pundasyon ng aking katauhan. Matatapos na rin ang araw ng taong nasa likod ng aking pagbagsak.

Ikaw! Ikaw na talangka ang siyang dahilan.

Sa tingin mo ba’y makakatakas ka sa ginawa mo? Sa tingin mo ba’y palalampasin ng isang henyong tulad ko ang mga pasakit na dinulot mo sa akin? Hindi. Matitikman mo rin sa tamang panahon ang pait ng matamis kong higanti.

Ngayon na ang panahong iyon. Ngayon, malalaman ng lahat na hindi ako ang nagkamali, na hindi ako ang siyang dapat kamunghian – kundi ikaw!

Masaya ako noon. Masaya ka rin. Wala tayong kamuwang-muwang na nabubuhay ang isa’t isa. Gumagalaw tayo sa magkabilang mukha ng mundo. Sa liwanag ng araw ka nagsasaya. Sa madilim at malamig namang lupalop ako naghuhumikahos. Sa kalagayan kong iyon, nagtagpo tayo. Ngunit hindi tayo nagpakialamanan. Hanggang sa…

Natanaw ko ang isang maliwanag na bituin mula sa kadiliman ng aking paligid. Namangha ako at natuwa. Sa wakas, naabot ko rin ang matagal ko nang inaasam. Sa panahon ding iyon, taglay ko ang isang bituing buong buhay mo ring pinangarap.

Nainggit ka.

Sa pag-akyat ko sa tugatog ng aking mga pangarap ay siya ring pagkalaglag ko sa bangin ng iyong kasamaan. 

Nalunod ako sa tinik mong mga salita at pangungutya. Lagi mong sambit na nakaw ang hagdang ginamit ko upang makamit ang bituing hawak ko ngayon.

Ang tala ko na dati’y nagniningning, ngayo’y nabahiran ng mantsa na dulot ng putik na dinampot mo sa lupa at itinapon sa aking mukha.

Kasalanan ko din naman. Nag-iwan ako ng mga kaaya-ayang tali sa harap ng madungis mong mga sipit. Hindi ko inakalang sa kabila ng lahat, magagawa mong hilahin pababa ang mga tali ko na siya tuloy nagdulot sa akin upang mahulog sa lupa. Ilang luha rin ang dumampi sa aking mga pisngi. Halos mabali na ang aking mga buto, masugat sa mga tinik na iyong ikinalat sa tahanan mong lupa. Ngunit higit kong ikinasadlak ang pagkadurog ng aking katauhan, pagkawasak ng aking pinakaiingatang dignidad. Iyan tuloy, ayoko nang lumabas. Baka makita pa ng ibang mga tao ang mga sugat, mga galos na dulot ng aking kamangmangan.

Ngunit kasalanan ko din bang natukso kang hilahin ang mga tali kong abot ang rurok ng tagumpay?

Halos hindi na ako makabangon sa layo ng kinahulugan ko. Natatanaw kong halos ikamatay mo sa tuwa ang mga pangyayari. Lalo akong nanghina nang nakita kong ikinumpas mo ang kamay mong hawak ang lamparang may mabuting apoy. Bakit ikaw pa na siyang dapat sa kapwa mo’y mag-aruga? Nawasak ang lahat sa akin. Maliban ang isa. Ang aking tala. Nabasag man ito sa paghalik niya sa iyong lupa, lumikha naman ito ng mga pira-pirasong bituin – mga bituin na ngayo’y nagbibigay liwanag sa aking mga pagkakamali, mga bituing naglalagablab na siyang papaso sa nanlalamig mong inggit.

Lumipas ang mga buwan na humihiram ng liwanag mula sa araw. Naghilom din ang aking mga sugat. Kinalimutan mo ang lahat na parang walang nangyari. Ngunit ako… kahit kailan, hinding hindi lilisan sa aking isip ang mga bitak na nabuo mula nang hinila mo ang mga tali ko.

Ngayon na ang tamang panahon upang matikman mo ang pait ng matamis kong paghihiganti. Ngayon na ang sandaling iisipin mong nasayang lahat ng pagod mo sa paghila sa mga tali ko. Ngayon mo maiisip na isa ka lamang butil ng buhangin sa abot-tanaw na dalampasigan sa madilim kong paligid.  Ikaw na talangka, ngayon, sa wakas, akin, ikaw, nagtagpo.

Habang ika’y pinapawisan, habang ika’y inaanod sa kailaliman ng dagat mong kasakiman, habang walang pakundangan mong ipinakita sa akin ang itsura mong wala nang mas sasama pa, narito ako… sasalubungan ka… ng ngiti.

Natapos din ang lahat. Sino ngayon sa atin ang dapat kamunghian?