Run Dry

Beginning something new in life can etch an indelible scar on one’s life. I for many times have started many things but have never accomplished any. I am pretty exceptional at commencing things but I am most likely horrible when it comes to culminating one.

Perhaps I am afraid to get the last blame if something goes wrong with the operations. Or maybe I would feel lost when a change occurs in my daily routine. That I do not know. But mind you, I am not an introvert. I am more of a highly sociable and outgoing guy whose only stupid weakness is when my insides start to consume the jolly side of me. The result: a crying helpless freak.

Just recently, I surfaced on a new challenge of being an incoming third year nursing student. Yes – after four weeks of worrying whether or not I would be on the famous list, I finally found myself wearing my nursing shirts and lab gown daily, practicing tons of skills in our RLE, and taking in every gram of toxic drugs in Pharmacology. After incurring all those irreversible demerits and reductions in my 15% conduct grade during our community exposure last semester, I still managed to belong. Thanks to my precious saints and my ceaseless prayers.

But my miseries did not end there. While I was thinking of how to end my previous misfortune, then began my financial problem on the summer enrolment. I did not know where to conjure the hair-raising down payment for the summer term. But I tried everything. To my surprise, a force drove me to consult every soul I can think of, even our college faculty. Luckily through the efforts of everyone present within my plead, I ultimately had my ID accessorized with a brand new nine-peso glossy sticker.

So as I was about to settle down, another event succeeded in penetrating my fragile emotion. I was tired, sleepy, restless, hungry, anxious and quite disturbed during the second day of my summer duty when I committed an almost insufferable error. Let’s just say I run dry of good reasons to secure my offense. At that point in time, I almost felt that I was a failure. I was on the brink of breaking down, giving up, turning left, but not going on the right track. I mesmerized with what was wrong in me. And I saw the flaw as clearly as the light of a sunny day.

I have been unstable ever since when it comes to taming my emotions. I get easily upset when I receive low marks in my exams, when I wrangle with my (adjective here please) sister, or when I would be drawn in conflicts with my friends. It is sad how I think so much of what others might think of me and of what I do wrong. I could not erase in my mind all the specks of misfortunes in my life that they tend to clog and block my perception. Maybe, that was what happened during my duty. The turn of events led me to defend myself and rationalize. Sometimes, I cannot help but cry my emotions out, until I drain myself to sleep. I often go into writing, hoping that my miserable thoughts would forever remain as sheets of scattered manuscript, and never revisit my mind again. How I just wished I could always press this propitious little Undo button in the computer. Perhaps life would be easier and more stress-free.

And one thing more. As I hope to study and finish my studies, I always take delivery of the impression that people around me are expecting so much from me. I feel that every move I take is monitored or something like that. I cannot blame them much that I would like to. One of my friends said that it was off beam when I leveled up their expectations upon me, that I excelled too much on my academics. I pondered on that for days. And then I thought. What was wrong with doing my best? I need my current standings to finance my schooling. If I fail as I often do, I would long be gone in the portals of this school. I fear the day when all things I have gained become a speck of dust. It is hard to instruct my thoughts to lay low since they forcibly invade my mind. I imagine every bit of event that may happen. It is just silly how I have not anticipated the events that occurred to me the whole summer. (Sigh). I and my paranoia….

So what am I to do? I cannot focus on one thought, I have overactive imaginations. I am clumsy and jittery. I cannot work well. Well, I guess I have to think these thoughts over. How redundant